I’ve been told it’s a luxury to be understood. As I’ve gotten older I found that statement all too true. I’ve found it’s easy to say what you mean and mean it but that doesn’t mean anyone on the receiving end understands.
This summer I struggled back and forth with my personal potential. I over analyzed and over spoke about the same things repeatedly and frankly was probably annoying. I realized it was because I was not happy with the current outcome but was in a place where I had to deal with it but I kept talking about it to rationalize my choices.
For the most part I consider myself happy; I have days of self doubt, sadness, and madness just like anyone else but I somehow always remind myself I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. There are moments I should work it out or let myself just be sad about but instead I go into this mode where I don’t feel those things and instead think remember they are several people much worse off.
Yesterday C told me I think too deeply on simple things and I was slightly embarrassed. I appreciate the honesty in our relationship even when it makes feel exposed or vulnerable. He told me that even though I sometimes I hide it he can tell I feel my emotions 10x more than I show. He gave me instances on how in person I can come off as insincere, uninterested, or at a loss for words when someone is sharing but then on the drive home I would talk about how their eyes and they spoke or if I could feel their joy or I’d comment on their loneliness in the group regardless of their auctions.
We talked about sadness and how he’s notice I don’t let myself feel it which I admitted it to be true. I’m numb in several moments where I shouldn’t be. Because I can’t express the raw sadness I’ve felt in my life and how it’s a fearful place to be. I’ve shared a lot of stories about my life with people around me but I’ve never really truly shared the heartbreak I’ve felt.
Heartbreak that has caused an empty space when it comes to relationships (especially with women). My mother taught me to empower others, and although the intention is there I am not constantly great at acting on it or expressing my support. I have found few women in my life who really do empower one another. The drive for competition among friends makes me uncomfortable and instantly not a fan of several men and women.
I lack a certain type of support and I realize because I don’t show that I need it. I like to give it but I don’t show that I need it back as well.
I found that I love transparency and like to think of myself as someone who is. Which to some extent is true. But I am admitting today that although I’ve experienced sadness and grief that many haven’t felt and because I’ve grown from trials in my life, I don’t show people much beyond strength…. Who knows maybe people see it as arrogance. But from today I’m continuing to work on it.I am complicated I know it and it is probably just time for the world too.